7 Years Ago Today - thoughts on marriage

Wow! Today is our 7 year anniversary. It has been quite a journey over the past 7 years. It has been a time of ups and downs that I never could have dreamed of. There is so much about marriage that I never understood before, but I do now. It really makes me wonder how much I have yet to learn. I am not good with words which is why I'm not the best blogger in the world, but I think I'll make a list of some of the theories and thoughts on marriage I have.

1. First off, I had always heard of the '7 year itch' Also, statistically speaking, the majority of marriages that end usually do so in the first 7 years. Honestly, I have never been more comfortable in my marriage than I am right now. If anything, Kris and I had a '4 year itch' or maybe a '5 year itch'. We had a rough patch in there when we really sought out LDS family services marriage counselling. We just could not see eye-to-eye for anything. We were like rams constantly locking horns. But now things are soooo much better and I am happy with where our marriage is. I hope we never get into a low spot like we did a couple years ago - but I think we know the warning signs now and can avoid it before it comes to that.


2. I've heard the first year of marriage is the hardest. Not so in our case - it was by far the easiest.


3. Babies change EVERYTHING about your relationship and will prove each and every strength and each and every weakness in yourself and in your marriage.


4. I don't believe in 'soul mates.' There are some people who are better for people than others, but I honestly truly 100% believe that any righteous man and righteous woman can have a happy healthy marriage with one another. I think this is why 'arranged marriages' work so well in other countries (not that I think all marriages should be arranged - I do NOT think that. Picking your own spouse is important) I'm just saying that if BOTH parties are willing to make the marriage work, it will work.


5. I find that sooo many couples fight or get in arguments for selfish reasons (us included). I find a fight that we used to get in alot was about Kris working late. Well I found that my getting upset with him about it pushed us even further apart. Where does that leave me? Still alone! I learned that fighting with him about not being home makes matters even worse. In the line of work he is in, he really can't avoid it. What I need to do is support him working as much as he does so he doesn't feel like when he comes home he's just going to be nagged at for being late. Who wants to come home to that? Also, for example, I used to get upset with Kris because I didn't feel 'special'. He's really not a romantic guy at all. When I was at BYU I clearly remember my Marriage, Family, Human Developemnt teacher taught us about 'love currency.' Just like US won't take currency from China, our love currency is all different. Kris' form of love currency is working his butt off to provide for us. My form of love currency is doing small things - a note here, a back rub there. I never saw him working so hard for us as a labor of love for us and the fact he never did many of the small things that I viewed as showing love made me feel like I wasn't loved. I had to learn to accept his love currency and now that I have (and am still learning to) I do feel 'special.' That man is working his life away, but we have a warm house, clothes, more than enough food, and I can buy what the kids need as well, AND I get to stay home with my babies which is the best gift Kris could ever give me.


6. A successful marriage requires the utmost humility in both partners.


7. You cannot change someone. Ever. Period.


8. You need to learn to bend and change yourself for marriage to work. You can't think "How can I change him??" You must think "How can I change myself or the situation to accept him?" Example (I know... it's a lame one). It used to drive me NUTS that Kris' dirty clothes were always in a pile by his bed inside out and backwards all over the place. I mean, is it THAT hard to get it in the hamper?? But, over the years of getting upset with him about it (again, how is getting upset going to change it?) now there is a basket by his side of the bed. All of the clothes make it in there. That is acceptable. I still have to turn them right side out and separate them, but I was willing to make that change, since he was willing to make them in the basket. Obviously this 'changing yourself' works much better on a larger scale, this was just a trivial example.


9. I read in an Ensign article once something that really hit me. It was a true story a woman told about having a fight with her husband. Whatever the fight was about (it didn't say), she was CERTAIN she was right. After having a huge blow up fight about it, she went to a private place and prayed. She said a voice came to her clear as day that said "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?" So true! She said even though this one fight wouldn't have broken up the marriage, over the years fights like this would have. She had learned that just because she's right about something, it's not a reason to argue. Just let it go. Somethings just aren't worth being 'right' about.


10. It's so hard for me to do, but I truly feel that your home needs to be the safe haven for both you and your spouse. Arguing has no place in a home. This is something I am working on - we still argue way too much - but I hope that maybe in the next 7 years we can get there. Thankfully we don't get in the big blow up fights like we used to, but there is still too much bickering. We need to form a house that is a safe harbor, and I think we're on our way there, in this vessel of life, it just might take a while.


11. Marriage is like an indoor roller coaster. Seriously. There are ups and downs, twists and flips that you never see coming. Life is like that roller coaster, but isn't it more fun riding a roller coaster with a friend? It makes the ups and downs twice as intense, but in the end you are glad that you weren't alone.


12. Marriage is a wonderful and beautiful thing, but it's also a very difficult thing. When you first get married everything is lillies and buttercups - it is easy to promise forever, when you really have no CLUE of what forever will bring. But it's worth it to just hold on. I'm glad I didn't give up a couple years ago and I am so happy with where we are now. I know we're on an up swing, and I worry about what the next 'down' will be, but I think we're stronger now and know how to approach problems. Together.

I know this is a ginormous post, but I do want to end with the lyrics to a song. It is by Nickel Creek and the analogies are AMAZING. Take a minute to think about each line. It is about a marriage that is about to fall apart and the words are just SO true.

Reasons Why by Nickel Creek

Where am I today? I wish that I knew.
• Because looking around there's no sign of you.
• I don't remember one jump or one leap,
• Just quiet steps away from your lead.
  
• I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too,
• Feeling just short of a love that we once knew.
• I'm calling this a home when it's not even close.
• I'm playing a role with nerves left exposed.
  
• Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines,
• Others have excuses. I have my reasons why.
  
• We get distracted by the dreams of our own,
• But nobody's happy when feeling alone.
• And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall,
• We lean another ladder up against the wrong wall,
• And climb, high to the highest rung to shake fists at the sky
• Others have excuses, I have my reasons why.
  
• With so much deception, it's hard not to wander away.
• It's hard not to wander away.